One of the surprising gifts of journal writing is that it provides a record of what has happened in your life, how you have felt and what you have thought at various crucial moments.  I picked up an old journal yesterday, and out fell several handwritten pages from August 31, 2011 -- four years ago today.  I was surprised by my musings, and the words took me back to that time.  Theologian Soren Kierkegaard wrote, "Life is lived forward, but understood backward." Today, I understood backward. Four years ago I was in a tumultuous point in life, and I went back home to the desert.  There, I began to see my way forward again.  Perhaps, the best thing for this blog is simply to share the actual words from a couple of days from that journal:

8/31/2011
"The night has passed and I've drunk in the desert air. This is exactly where I need to be.  I work in my mother's little bedroom turned into an office.  I sleep in the the bed where she breathed her last breath and died in my arms.  I feel a deep sadness and a deep comfort -- a sense of loss, a sense of peace.  A sense of being near the abyss, a sense of being held in a Russian style 'poustinia.'

Perhaps,...I am here to sit in silent patience for the answers to come.  I don't think I've ever been in such an ambiguous or frightening point in life.  So many things have contributed to my feeling the uncertainty of what is for me right now. Still, I know the desert will give me what I need -- even if it is simply more ambiguity, deeper suffering, or profound emptiness.  Even if that is what is given, there will be answers if I dig deeply enough into those seeming wastelands.  Change always involves those -- it's just that the desert doesn't make it easy to deny them!

As I hung clothes out this morning very early, the heat had already descended with ferocity.  It's the kind of heat that burns away all that is useless -- it stings the eyes and singes the soul.  It is a kind of heat that purifies and clarifies what is illusory.  It is the kind of heat that first wooed me to the desert love affair I have had since I was a child.  I sometimes rue its ruthlessness, but never truly wish for its absence. 

One piece of clarity that seemed to emerge for me is that reading the signs of our lives is a dicey business!  I have these days to attend to the signs, but it's ever so easy to misread them, ignore some while clinging to others, seeing and attributing great significance to some while discounting others.  It seems that the crucial task is to remain open to it all -- to place all the signs, and even non-signs, in an even playing field, where they can be considered equally and without bias... The task of staying open is a task that requires heroic effort because it means being detached from all in order to see the truth of any. 

9/1/2011

"It is clear that the desert is the home of my soul.  There's really no explaining it -- it is something esoteric, mystical, undeniable.   My soul simply breathes more deeply, opens more fully, and surrenders more completely in the harsh environment of stone and sand, heat and aridity, sparseness and austerity.  Many would see these as deprivations.  For me, they are the greatest gifts.  When I drink them in, it is as if the thirst of my soul is finally quenched.  So, I have had a little bit of drink here and I am not eager to leave my wateringhole!  It's odd that in the desert that lacks water, I find my most nourishing liquid.

I still do not feel clear about my way forward; what I have gained these past days is a measure of trust that had been misplaced or lost.  Nothing in my situation has changed, yet I know the seed of faith is being nourished in the dark and invisible place.  "All can never be utterly lost," I often preach...it isn't until that concept drops deep within as into a bottomless well that hope can be born.  I have been experiencing an uncanny stillness -- holiness -- here.  The desert always offers me that, of course, but these days have felt somehow different.  It's not as if I have anything to show for them -- only the seed and the stillness that has gone deep within.  I feel greedy for more of that, but perhaps, that too, is meted out in measured beats in the Divine Economy.  I will try to be attentive  now to what still may come -- knowing that staying patient and still is the call of heaven right now.  Be patient and still."

Today
So, there are a few journal ramblings from 4 years ago.  I honestly do not even remember what felt so tumultuous to me at that time, but what I do know, is that the same truths I learned then apply now.  Maybe in those truths, you will find some nourishment for your own soul. 

I leave tomorrow to go back to the desert for some days.  My soul is again thirsty, and I am ready to hear the voice of God in the emptiness of desert sand.  May I be open to the signs, and stay detached enough to hear new words of truth.  I pray the same for you, wherever you are...

So, it’s a new day.  We’ve just woken up, and after preparing for the day, we’re off to work or to the completion of tasks. We have a sense of what we want to get done, or have to get done, and we’re ready to meet the challenges before us.  We may make some progress for a couple of hours, and then a distraction pops across our life stage.  Maybe it’s the email alert on our phone, or a phone call from the cable company wanting to sell us more services, or we remember something important we were supposed to do and didn’t.  Suddenly, all our attention and focus has been taken hostage by the distraction.  We can very easily feel as if our day has been de-railed.  Sometimes, we are able to recover, find our focus, and get back on track.  And, sometimes, we just follow one distraction after another until day’s end and feel the emptiness of having wasted a productive day.  

So here’s a little tip!  When distraction occurs, treat it like you would treat a thought during meditation.  Take care of the basics.  Deal with the call, or respond quickly to the email, or write down a time to get the important thing done that was forgotten.  Then, let it go.  Send it off as if you were sending a text and hearing ‘swish.’ It’s gone.  Done.  Now, simply return to what you were doing before the distraction occurred.  

This is the process we use in meditation.  When a thought comes into our mind, we give it a moment’s attention, let it go, and return to the Divine Presence.  As in meditation, so in life. When we lose focus, we can simply give a moment’s notice or action to what has claimed our attention, and then let it go, and return to our previous focused attention.  This is bringing meditation right into the ‘down and dirty’ of everyday life!

It's the question of life, isn't it?  Who am I?  Who am I really?  Who am I right now?  Here's a short poem I wrote that may help you reflect on that important question of identity. One holy friend of mine who is now deceased wrote that it is our first response that is the indicator of who we are.  That concept is included in the poem, and can become its own spiritual practice.  Simply staring at your first responses to things will tell you incredible things about your soul.

Who am I?
For your soul contains a treasure house,
Treasure that is new and old.
Bring it out and let it shine in sun,
Show you what is dross, what is gold.
Fear not to identify good and bad,
Hidden down below what you do.
Stare intently at your first response,
Let it show the truth of you.

I just posted this short video on YouTube. A little cleaning and de-cluttering will help your soul!  Here's the link! https://youtu.be/_x1jMApruqc

Here are 2 new prayers I have written -- one a Daily Prayer for Purpose, and the other a Prayer for Preventing Procrastination.

We all know we are here for a reason.  We each have been given unique talents, skills, desires, personalities that we use to make the world a better place.  Sometimes we can find it hard to articulate our 'purpose' in life because the concept just seems too all-encompassing.  Yet, in today's world, it doesn't need to be all-encompassing -- you know, one purpose for the whole of our lives.  We have so many opportunities, so many paths to try, so many ways to re-invent, so many chances to shift our purpose slightly in order to reach what before was out of reach.  Rather than trying to identify and claim one somewhat slippery purpose in life, this prayer will help you make a daily 'intention' for purpose that can be easily measured  at the end of each day.

Because there are so many opportunities in the course of a day, we can also find procrastination has become a more faithful companion than we would like!  We can find ourselves putting  things off that we really want to get done, because there is so much else that keeps filtering in to our day.  Procrastination is a funny little friend, however.  Here's a metaphor for you:  Procrastination asks you to come out and play, even when you have homework to complete.  You enjoy the play alright, but the homework is still there.  So, to get it done, you have to stay up late, giving it your least effective attention rather than your best, and the stress required leaves you more tired than the playtime was worth. This prayer will encourage you to keep first things first, so that play can be full and free!

Our partner, Judd Miller's E-book titled "DECIDE," will help you develop a strategy for making decisions. 
For just $2.99 you can learn about Judd's method for making decisions through a systematic approach that brings clarity and confidence to the decision-making process.  Just click on link above, or on the book cover, "DECIDE" on our Partner Page and you will be taken to Amazon where you can purchase and download the book. 

As a companion to Judd's book, I have added a Decision-Making Meditation offering.  For only $.99, I will lead you through a guided meditation that will help bring your decision focus into a space where God can offer you fresh insight and give you the courage to step out in new directions!