But as for me, I will look to God, I will wait for the God of my salvation; my God will hear me.
It seems to creep up unaware. A flash of light in the distance, nothing more. Several minutes pass. A light rumble, nothing more. Several minutes pass. The blue sky seems to be on a gradual color-wheel that moves from robin egg blue to denim to smoky gray, nothing more. Then as if the heavens would burst, the gray sky turns to white, a crack of sound causes our body to jolt with surprise, and the clouds drop a torrent of water on the thirsty earth.
This nature display is like the anxiety that can slowly gather in our souls. At first there are only small signs, nothing more. But as it builds and is finally unleashed in full force, we reel from the effects. The anxiety comes from fear for our future, worry about our finances, pain about a divorce, weariness from an illness, feeling overwhelmed by too many expectations and demands. On and on the list could go. And we wonder how we can stop the onslaught that is surely coming. Sometimes we try to talk it through, or place our focus elsewhere, or fight with every ounce of energy we have. And sometimes we pray. We ask God to get us through it. We ask God to take it away. We ask God to make life better. But in the soundless place within us, we wonder if prayer will work. We want to give God a chance, but is God really there? Does God really hear? Will God really act on our behalf? While those questions are rattling around in our spirit, our anxiety deepens and we feel less able to get ourselves out of it. When we finally reach the point of knowing that we are helpless to save ourselves from ourselves, the questions about God no longer matter. We look for God. We cry out to God. We wait for God. We trust God hears. And in the soundless place within us, we feel the warmth of God's love. Our disquiet begins to settle. The light drives away the darkness, and a slower breath begins. "I will look for God. I will wait for God. My God will hear me."
O God when clouds of anxiety gather around my soul shutting me out from the grace of life, come and disperse the disquiet until my soul is at rest again.
These meditations by Renee Miller first appeared at explorefaith.org
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